Reminiscence
by Shanshan310
Summary: Forever. Cold. Empty. Alone. Evanescence always puts him in a depressing mood, and on that night it was time to remember. Something i wrote a while back that i never got around to publishing, but its still worth a look. i hope.


ok, i wrote this ages ago and now i'm going to post it cause i don't wanna leave it sitting here collecting virtual dust...

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**HI! im back for a second DN Angel Fiction. This one's a little sad as well, but im hoping to post something happy soon. I havn't posted much of late... I've got so many half finished stories saved in the document section. There's the other chapters of the music festival, the steel angel kurumi one, the marmalade boy one, the sato/female-character one, the happy one, the other chapters of this... the list goes on. But, ill try to find time to finish them, and hopefully post them soon. **

This is a songfic (grins) ive been wanting to write one for ages! It does contain some yaoi references. Im sorry, i had to keep it or the story was kind of dead... anyway, yaoi or none, please read it. Tell me what you thought. I cant be satisfied as an Author if you dont give me any feedback!

**The song for this chapter is entitled "whisper" and its by Evanescence. Speaking of which, i went and saw them back in febuary! I didnt think they were gonna play this song _but they did! _i was so happy i was almost in tears! ..._almost. _Tis an awesome song... However, they didnt play hello...**

Disclaimer: DN Angel, Wisper, Hello, I dont own any of this... (obviously) wait... i do own the story...

_this is satoshi thinking/writing..._

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Satoshi slammed the door shut and leant against it panting. _Riku and Daisuke are in love, they will one day be married._ the news had wiped all other thoughts from his mind. The words echoed around his head. Even Krad couldn't block them out, he had been sealed away. He couldn't take it. Though his friends stood around ecstatic for the couple, he had run from their smiling faces. No explanation, he was silent as ever. He just ran. It overwhelmed him, and he couldn't cope. 

So here the fifteen-year-old was, alone in his small apartment. Tears running down his pale cheeks, he banged his fists against the door 'why? why?why?!**'** he whimpered, collapsing to his knees. 'NO!!' he screamed, choking on his tears. Satoshi covered his face with his hands, trying in vain to block out the memories. He lay on the ground for several minutes, moaning in a pain both physical and mental. It was beginning to fell very claustrophobic in his stuffy apartment. The walls were closing in around him, just like his world, it seemed. Why did he collapse now? He hadn't broken down like this before, not when his parents were dead, or when Krad had controlled him. Why now?

Thinking this, Satoshi stopped crying abruptly. He stood up. He clenched his fist. _how did I let pain take me so easily. I am not weak that way. Be strong, and I will not be in pain._ Running his fingers through his blue hair, Satoshi walked over to a dusty item on his desk. If not for the dust, one would recognize it as a CD player. It looked like it hadn't been used in a while, but Satoshi begged to differ. It, like the rest of the apartment, merely hadn't been _cleaned_ in a while.

Satoshi plugged in the music player and pressed play. The disc began to spin, and the haunting, yet calming sound of Evanescence echoed around the room, filling his head with thoughts. This music always helped him to think clearer. It was soothing to his wound.

Satoshi sat down at his desk, calming himself by regulating his heart beat and breathing. He opened the top draw, it making a steady rolling sound as he did so. He liked that. It was uniform, and he liked knowing what was going on around him, what was going to happen next. Satoshi pulled out a journal. Flicking through it, he found its pages all blank. He remembered buying it a while back, hoping to take notes in it. However, his hidden agenda was to one day write it all down. Everything that had happened, and everything he felt.

Tonight he found himself yearning to do so. He needed a release. Adjusting himself into a more comfortable position, he readied himself for what he was about to do. It would be hard reminiscing on it all. A lot of those memories were painful. The disc player made a swivelling sound, the current song having just ended. A heavy guitar blasted through the speakers. _It was time_. Satoshi pressed his pen toward the pages of the journal and exhaled heavily. _Where to begin? _Then he began to write.

_I see him there, smiling. Waving at me. Uttering the words I long to hear most. HE LOVES ME. And for a wonderful few moments, my spirit lifts. My heart skips a beat. A smile bursts through. Tears of joy run freely down my face. Because I need him to help me from my darkness, and to love me. I reach out and run towards him, desperately hoping for reality. _

**Catch me**

**As I fall**

**Say you're here and it's all over now.**

_But it isn't. As I wrap my arms around him, he fades away into my imagination. _

**Speaking to the atmosphere,**

_I wrap my arms into air. I gasp, and fall in the realisation that he's not there, that he will never be there. I curse, realising how stupid I was to fall for this mind trick - again. _

**No one's here**

**And I fall into my self.**

_His smiling face reappears, in my memory this time. "your such a great friend." His memory says, smiling in that wonderful way that makes me want to carry on living, before walking away, hand in hand with another. The elder Harada. I understand that he will never be mine. He does not love me. The ring on his hand is proof of this. _

**This truth**

**Drives me**

**Into Madness**

_I have accepted my fate as a loner, I will never love another. Death will greet me one day, and I will still find my self alone. I understand and accept this. Forever. Cold. Empty. Alone._

**I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away.**

_Those four words send shivers down my spine. If only i could block them out. How pathetic this must seem, but at least I can hide them away._

**If I will it all away.**

_I am hollow. There is nothing inside. My heart is reflected in the icy blue crystals through which I see. Cold and Uncaring, that is what I wish to be. _

**Don't turn away**

**(don't give into the pain)**

_Numb to the outside world. I have chosen feeling nothing over feeling pain. Because it is easier. I am weak. Afraid to feel. Feel hate. Feel love. I am lying to my self, Blocking out what I feel._

**Don't try to hide**

**(though their screaming your name)**

_Is trying to escape emotion wrong? Does it make me inhumane? Perhaps, but it's the only thing that keeps me sane. I will not become like Krad. His presence has gone from me, but I will never forget the terror the caused. I will never forget the hatred I saw through those eyes. Like I could almost understand how he felt._

**Don't close your eyes**

**(god knows what lies behind them)**

_What I'll never understand is what drove him into doing those things. What made him feel such hatred and pain? He would often speak with me, yet he never opened up. I guess i gave him reason not to. Sometimes when i am alone i think 'Perhaps i should have been kinder to him'. I am just wishing for company. For hearing his voice is better than the silences i have now._

**Don't turn out the light**

**(never sleep, never die)**

_No! I am mad to think such i th__ing! The pain he caused in my mind. The damage inflicted on my body. I can never forgive him for such acts of destruction. I hate him with such a passion that can only be controlled by the truth that he no longer exists._

**Im frightened by what I see**

_Did he ever exist? maybe i was just mad. Driven to insanity by Dark. But then, was Dark real also? Was this all just a wall for blocking out the pain of being alone. For having no purpose. hmmm... it is foolish to question being and existance in this way. I will step no deeper into this topic. for now at least._

**But somehow I know**

**That there's much more to come.**

_I always knew it would be difficult, Capturing Dark. It was worth it, of course, leaving Krad trapped in that artwork for eternity. But I almost miss chasing after Dark. It became a sort game, at least to him anyway. I often imagine what things would have been like if they were still around. Or if they had never existed at all. How can I have them, but want with all my heart for them to return?_

**Immobilised by my fear,**

**And soon to be**

**Blinded by tears. **

Satoshi found himself lost for words for a moment. He let the pen fall from his hands to the table below, and his eyes flutter shut. Engulfed in the sound and the music and the lyrics, tears began to fall once more.

**I can stop the pain if I will it all away. **

**If I will it all away. **

**Don't turn away**

**(don't give into the pain)**

**Don't try to hide**

**(though their screaming your name)**

**Don't close your eyes**

**(god knows what lies behind them)**

**Don't turn out the light**

**(never sleep, never die)**

Krad was dead, and somehow Satoshi felt alone. He tucked his knees under his chin and wrapped his arms around his legs. It was a comforting position, but it didn't take away the hole Satoshi felt in place of his beating heart.

**Fallen angels at my feet**

**Whispered voices at my ear**

What was he to do, now that everyone had left him?

**Death before my eyes**

**Lying next to me I fear**

Or had he left them?

**She beckons me **

**shall I give in?**

Satoshi sat up straight again. He wiped his tear across his sleeve and regained control of himself. He picked up the pen and scrawled a single sentence across the parchment.

**Apon my end shall i begin**

**Forsaking all I've fallen for **

_What has become of me?_

**I rise to meet the end**

As the song faded out with haunting gaelic voices, Satoshi paused once more. _Shall I stop at this?_ There was still one more thing to write about. The most painful. His childhood. There was so little he could remember. He would do his best, for he had promised himself to write everything. A soft, yet blood chilling piano began to play, signalling the start of a new song. It sent shivers down the commander's spine each and everytime he heard it. Not wanting to waste more time, he bent his head down and continued to write.

_It was all a blur to me. All the studying. All of everything. Except for him. He is all I can remember of my childhood. I guess he was all that was significantly important. _

**Playground school bell rings again**

**Rainclouds come to play again**

_As i sat on the stairs at the entrance of my primary school, I saw the other children's parents greeting them with joy. excitment to see a loved one again, after a long day working. That joy was not shared with me. I couldn't understand why my mother was not there with me, as the other parents were for their children. Did she not love me as they loved theirs?  
I waited and waited, but no one came. No one was there. I knew then i was alone. Why had mother never been there? I had questioned myself over and over. Pain took me. I screamed, but still no one was there. No parent to comfort my cries. Why had mother abandoned me this way? I thought she did not love me. It was then that the voice that would haunt me for so many years first spoke:_

**Has no one told you she's not breathing?**

_It did not frighten me, this voice. _

**Hello, i'm your mind, giving you some one to talk to.**

_It haunted me._

**Hello.**

_The voice I would one day come to know as Krad kept silent for several years after that. But I did not forget it. Those few words continued to echo through my mind long after they were spoken. What did it mean? What was its purpose? Even then I pondered existance. Why had I been left alone in a hateful world, with just a voice, greeting me cruelly inside my mind. Sometimes I wanted to ignore it. To think it a lie to keep me sane. Just a trick made in my mind while I slept. A nightmare I could not forget._

**If I smile and don't believe**

**Soon I know I'll wake from this dream.**

_I tried to will it away. But deep down I knew._

**Don't try to fix me**

**I'm not broken.**

_He was there. Watching. Waiting. I could feel it. The shivers that were sent down my spine, never to be forgotten._

**Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide.**

_I seem foolish to say it now, but I thought he was there out of fear. Hiding in my head from some unknown danger. So I hid aswell. I made no attempt at friendships. But he was there. When I was hiding. When I missed my mother. When I took in all the pointless information that would lead people to believe I was "gifted". He was there._

**Dont cry.**

_But one day he tried to take over. I will never forget the sudden pain, ribbling through my body like the disease it was. I had been beginning to trust him. To let him in. So he tried to let himself out. It was then I realised he was not there out of kindness, or even pity. But he was defiantly not hiding. When I realised he had been lying, I blocked him out. But the more I did so, the more he taunted me. However, I didn't give in to his threats, and so he couldn't come out._

**Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping**

_But he caused so much pain in the attempt to. I have dealt with the pain for so long, I can block it out, sometimes. I wish I could have done the same with him. I tried so hard._

**Hello**

_But he wouldn't disappear._

**I'm still here.**

_I believed for a long time he would never leave me. But then I was told of my bloodline, and capturing Dark, and therefore Krad, became my only dream. I was obsessive, and it drove me into studying harder, so I could leave school and focus entirely on getting him out of my head._

**All that's left of yesterday.**

_He is all I can remember. He is all I am. But now he is gone. What purpose do I have now? I am alone again. I am nothing._

Satoshi set down his pen, letting his own words sink in. It was true, now that Dark and Krad were gone, he had nothing. No driving force to make him live for a new day. The commander let out a humourless laugh. He had lived for these days, but found himself here with nothing to live for. Yet he did not want for life to end. He had nothing to die for either.

It was then he decided to discover a meaning. Whatever it was, he would find it, and capture it within his soul. To live it to its fullness. Then return one day, to reflect on all of the past, all of the present, then finally, to look foward, into the future.

It was time. Time for a new beginning.


End file.
